Parenting Tips
Finding good parenting tips is as varied as there are people, and most people are willing to share their opinions. At some point in raising kids, parents are sure to come encounter common children hurdles, as we have a sin nature. Growing up, there were 3 specific areas that our parents had a no-tolerance policy: lying, disobedience, and cruelty.
In sharing our story, we hope that you find encouragement in the parenting tips, as well as some tools to navigate when these show up in your home.
The Proper Parenting Perspective
Taking the time to help your child over come any one of these issues can feel like it doesn’t matter in the moment. It’s inconvenient and we can diminish it saying its a one off situation. But I want to encourage you that it matters.
Catching the action when its small, before it becomes a habit, takes diligence to address and correct. But this is the easiest time before lying, being cruel, or disobedience becomes habitual and woven into their everyday. Left unchecked, the small action can grow into a real challenge.
Have the vision to see the trajectory of these seemingly small actions. Any time one of these surfaced, Mom was quick to nip it in the bud. She used predictable phrases, simple theology, and consistent action, which allowed us to understand, even at a young age, the reason behind the correction.
Its important to give yourself proper expectations and know that resolving these heart conditions isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes intentionality and time to press in and instruct children towards nobler action. Laying the foundation for good, open conversations when children are young paves the way between you and them when conversations become more complicated as they mature.
We believe that any Mama can do it, but how do you know where to begin, and what will give you the grit to continue on when you’re down in the trenches of motherhood? Let’s walk you through some of the basics!
Picture This…
You are having one of those weeks where your child is challenging you at every turn. You love them, but you are floundering in a constant, internal monologue:
“They’ve been screaming “no” for the last hour. Is holding my ground on this really worth it?”
“Why won’t they listen, don’t they know I’m trying to help them?”
“Are my kids bad kids? Is it my fault?”
“I thought I taught them better than this!”
“God, am I doing this right?”
It can be a toddler just learning the word “no”, an elementary kid who’s always whining and negotiating, or a teenager who is openly rebellious. You had every good intention and somehow still ended up here – what happened?
Grace for Today, Bright Hope for Tomorrow
First, a word of encouragement. It is okay that you are doing the best with what you know, in the set of circumstances you are in. There is no shame for a faithful effort.
We all enter into parenthood with a variety of life skills. Some people come well prepared with a tool box full of life skills, and the knowledge of how to use them. They were well loved in their childhood with ample space made for them. In that space, they were nurtured, allowed to grow, with people taking the time to direct them towards growth with correction. Similar to a garden and how weeds can take root and quickly overcome, the heart of a child needs to be cultivated to keep sin from taking root.
But this isn’t the case for everyone. Without the same support system and guidance, people find themselves with plenty of weeds in their garden to tend to themselves. As children, maybe they experience love, but no guidance. Or the inverse, plenty of guidance, but no love. Yet some may lack both. As they grow into adulthood and become parents, they show up with limited skills passed down from the previous generation. Some come with the little they observed from the world around them. Still, some come with only the information they find online.
“It is okay that you are doing the best with what you know, in the set of circumstances you are in. There is no shame for a faithful effort.“
A Story of Hope
You might find you resonate with the second scenario more than the first. This was how Mom came to the table. Her testimony is of a messy childhood, estranged parents, and a suitcase of her own personal baggage wheeled into a young marriage.
But God gave her a vision for what her family could be. She wanted more than what she was raised with, and was willing to put in the time and effort took to bridge the gap between what she knew, and what she wanted for her family.
So she read the books, wrestled with her own inner demons, and had the courage to submit each day back to the Lord, even when it was foreign and she was unsure.
Was it worth it? Did it produce good fruit?
Today, her children (which include Kathryn and I) love the Lord and love one another. Home is the safest place we could be because we can trust that we will be seen, heard, respected, cared for, and sacrificially loved. Outside of the home, we are known as honest, respectful, and kind. We are a living testimony of what broken people starting with less than nothing can become.
There’s grace for doing what you can with what you know. But is that where you want to stay?
A Willing Spirit, Not a Perfect Sacrifice
Addressing each of these areas – lying, disobedience, and cruelty, does not require perfection.
Let us say that again – you don’t have to have a perfect understanding or perfect execution to address these habits in your children.
However, you do need to be willing in three areas: consistency, attention, and humility.
- Consistency – You as the parents set the rules of engagement for your home. As with any set of laws, they only work if everyone is held accountable to them. If the rules, or consequences, are constantly changing, then how can your expectation of their action stay consistent? Ultimately, if the expectation is not consistent, the consequence will always feel unfair. Setting expectation early creates a cornerstone to build off, and establishes trust. This can be done with older children as well, but you will have to contend with whatever expectation (or lack of) that has been the norm.
- Attention – To catch something small, you have to be paying close attention. Are you willing to put the phone down and embrace undistracted days? Are you willing to surrender your adult preference and lower yourself into their world with joy and patience? While not as stimulating as a podcast, a movie, a phone, or a friend, the time you have with your child is little, and the time of your influence, even less.
- Giving them your full attention allows you to catch any action before it becomes a habit, and to correct it in the moment. Your children desire your attention and will do what they can to capture it, regardless of if the attention is positive or negative. It is always better to turn to them in joy than in anger.
- Humility – Just like marriage, children are an excellent mirror. They are a tool the Lord uses to reveal our own areas of sin, and to sanctify us in real time. If we are too proud to accept this, or unwilling to face it, then we will not be able to model the compassion, forgiveness, and repentance needed to confront these three areas.
Hearing the Right Voice
In John 10, Jesus tells the story of a Good Shepherd entering through the gate. The sheep recognize the shepherd’s voice and follow him. But the shepherd is not the only figure who has influence on the sheep. Jesus mentions the thief, who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He also mentions the hired hand who flees instead of safeguarding the sheep.
As parents, and more importantly as believers tasked with stewarding our children, we are responsible for teaching our children to hear and respond to the voice of the Good Shepherd. When they are small, we are their most tangible example of God’s voice. We have the honor of modeling the patterns of how God will engage with them, and how God will be speak to them. In love, yes, but also in conviction. With grace, but also with wisdom and correction.
As they grow, we get to direct them to hear and heed conviction. It requires the scary step of releasing our influence and entrusting them back to the Lord. What they choose to do with the tools they have, and whose voice they follow is ultimately up to them, and the thought can feel defeating after a childhood of diligent effort and faithful prayer.
But the God we serve has a love for your children that is even greater, deeper, and truer than even your own. Isn’t that incredible? What better hands to entrust them into when your influence shifts? Our job, therefore, becomes making the right voice familiar.
A Call to Action
Now, it’s time to begin! It’s never too late to start.
If you are starting with young kids, toddler into early elementary, you’re still in prime time. This is best time to begin establishing the foundation of expectation. You are the rudder of your home, and you can begin to shift the boat from its original path to a new one. While things may not change automatically, the faithful act of holding the rudder to steer a new direction will inevitably turn the boat. Keep your hand at the wheel and be intentional with your influence!
If you have later elementary or early middle school, they are in the midst of shaping how they engage with the world. While not as fundamental, this is still an appropriate time to reset and adjust. It may take longer, new habits take time to form, and your home has lived with a set expectation for several years. But explain your reason why, and ask your children to partner with you. Their hearts will be soft towards your own humility, and will come along for the ride once they know it’s real change, not just lip service!
Now for those teenagers. This is a time of exploration and independence, shaping who they are apart from their family unit. If you have not been a strong voice in their childhood, it means other voices have become more influential. For this age, you must start with building a foundation of relationship, real relationship, not one fabricated just for the sake of teaching these habits, they will know it is not genuine, and inauthentic relationship destroys influence.
But it is never too late to start. We are cheering you on, one day at a time!