Becoming a Trustworthy Voice: Why Disobedience Requires Right Authority
We’ve all lived our own disobedience, or witnessed our children enough, to know what disobedience looks like. It can be subtle, a turning away from right action to choose our own way. Or it can be blatant and willful, an angry “no” or running away, like Jonah running from the voice of God.
Mom believed that we would need to know how to faithfully hear and respond to the Lord’s call, but that started with knowing the voice who called us. She focused on building trust in her character, to be someone that we could anticipate with confidence. We knew, through her daily action, that:
- Mom made decisions for our greater good, not in abuse of her authority as a parent
- Mom loved us and would give sacrificially out of her love, setting aside herself for our benefit
- Mom was trustworthy, she did what she said she would do, and held to her word even when it was uncomfortable or inconvenient
- Mom was imperfect, but willing to ask forgiveness when she was wrong, or did something out of emotion
She chose these actions because she believed it modeled, however imperfectly, the way the Lord loved us. She wanted us to be familiar in our response to authority, not out of fear of that authority, but out of trust. She often told us that where she failed, God never failed. Where she was human, He was constant and patient and perfect in his justice.
Knowing the voice that called us to act in obedience was the backbone for leading us from a rebellious spirit to one lived in Biblical submission. Biblically, as a child, that authority was our parent. As an adult, that authority is unto God, but also, to a degree, to government authority, church leadership, and our spouse in marriage.
“Mom believed that we would need to know how to faithfully hear and respond to the Lord’s call, but that started with knowing the voice who called us.“
Mom was teaching us that our natural desire to do it our way was not always the best way. While in childhood that looked like having good listening ears, and a joyful heart when called to action, as we aged it became about faithfully completing the work even when we wanted to shortcut it.
We talked about our language regarding authority, or why we pushed the limits of our curfew. We talked about recognizing the convictions of the Holy Spirit, and how we were being prompted to submit our own sin nature back to the Lord.
In short, confronting disobedience in childhood is not about squelching rebellion and creating angelic, perfect children. It is about teaching them to trust and later discern the voices of authority, and to respond in right action. These are the moments that you get to see a glimpse into the heart of your child, so press in!
He Leads Me Beside Quiet Waters
The voice of God is alluded to throughout the Bible, but one of the clearest pictures can be found in Psalm 23. King David writes about the Lord as a Shepherd, and how He leads us. Here are the first four verses of the psalm:
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Notice what God does. He has the sheep lie down in places that allow them to be rested and fed. He leads them to quiet or peaceful waters to be refreshed by them. The terrain of Israel was rocky, and vegetation sparse. This would take effort by the shepherd, and intentionality. He uses His voice for the benefit of the sheep, even at sacrifice to Himself. This is not a voice which demands obedience just because He is the Shepherd. It is a voice that has been proven to be trustworthy.
The Shepherd guides the sheep to right paths. The rod was used to fend off enemies which meant the sheep harm, and the staff was there to direct and to rescue the sheep when necessary. Likewise, the tools of the Shepherd’s authority were not used in retribution, but in protection, and ultimately guidance.
Our role as parents is to reflect this. We cannot do it perfectly, which is why we ourselves need a Good Shepherd to care for us and guide us. In modeling what appropriate authority sounds like, we offer them a tangible glimpse into the heart of a God who loves them, is for them, and desires good things for them.
Working From a United Front
When Mom is the one that is home all day, it is easy for the parent dynamic to form into “good cop, bad cop”. Mom was home and actively engaging with us at the “boots on the ground” level, and Dad was coming home to whatever emotional state the house was in. It was easier for him to engage with us with grace, because he hadn’t experienced any of the clash of wills in real time.
Dad was called upon when Mom’s voice was not being heard. He stepped in to re-establish the rules with a new voice, often one that was firm and reset expectation of how we treated Mom as an authority figure. It was not unusual that we as children would call Dad at work as an act of confession, and to receive direction from him. And, very importantly, Dad’s direction was a repeat of the same message, a support to the conversation we had been having with Mom, not a contradiction.
Dad trusted Mom’s oversight in playing out the rules and expectations, and was able to lead based on the choices they made together. This meant late nights talking about what to expect, how to discipline, and the needs of each child. It meant that they started with how they were leading, acting, and framing their expectations in peace, with accountability, before ever getting to the heat of the moment.
If something became unclear, they would step away to discuss and redirect. The would go into a room of the house and shut the door, speaking softly to one another, before coming back to us as a united effort. By this we understood that we could not pit them against one another, or gain favor from one parent over the other.
They weren’t perfect, but we knew that they were putting their best effort forward as a team. Their consideration, and their quickness to apologize if they were heavy handed or unjust, and the time they took to explain their reasoning, made them trustworthy voices.
The Questions They Asked
So what were the questions Mom and Dad were asking? What set them up for success when it came to the daily disciplines of teaching how to obey rightly?
Here are a few of them, and why they were each important to the larger conversation surrounding disobedience:
Did they know it was expected of them?
Before a consequence was dealt, our parents first needed to know if we knew what action that was expected of us. Did we know to not run into the street? Had it even been explained, and had the precedent been set that that wasn’t something we did?
It was one thing if we knew and were brushing aside the command, but another if we were acting in ignorance. If it was done in ignorance, then was a time to teach and correct, not to dole out a consequence. Usually, that consequence was emotionally motivated, not meant to help guide and establish an expectation.
Have we modeled this action?
Children make excellent mirrors, and when confronted with an unfavorable action (don’t slam the door, don’t roll your eyes, etc.) our parents first had to confront it in themselves. Is that how they engaged with us, or how they engaged with one another? Was there a double standard in how the adults were allowed to act, but the children were not?
This question also was a great check on emotion. Was there a true need for an action to be trained, or had it been a rough day that created a reactionary rule?
For example – a child dumps out their box of crayons, and the crayons spill from the table onto the floor. You had told the child it was time to color, and this action feels unnecessary and chaotic. They are giggling and swishing the crayons around, when you realize that when it’s time to color, it is your habit to dump crayons out for each child. They are mirroring your action, not doing something contrary to what you asked.
Moments like these are why the question exists, not only as a safeguard against an unfair reaction, but also in creating a safe place for your children to anticipate you.
Are we being consistent?
Much of the conversation on disobedience comes down to trust and faithful follow through.
If one day you are cracking down hard on throwing food, but the next day you’re laughing it off, what can your child expect of their action? Why would they obediently respond to your command to stop when the day before it was encouraged? This goes hand in hand with that personal reflection – what are we modeling as an expectation, and how are we holding to it as the administrators of justice within the home?
What is our pattern?
In our house, Mom followed a rhythm of explain, warn, correct. Let’s take throwing food as an example.
The first time we did it, Mom would say, “we don’t throw our food, it is there for you to eat. Don’t throw it, it makes a mess”. If we did it again, then she would say, “I’ve already told you that we don’t throw food. If you throw it again, you will be done with your lunch”. If we did it a final time, then the consequence was administered.
Explain. Warn. Correct.
The pattern gives framework for your child to understand consequence to action, and it only works if you are faithful to it. A fence only works if the gate is secure, otherwise, if the gate can be pushed open at any time, why bother setting the fence at all?
A Final Encouragement
As you begin to ask these questions, we pray that your heart would soften to your children, and in turn, that theirs would soften towards you. Childhood can so often be a battle of wills rather than the correct authority of the parent calling their child to obedience. But for that to be safe, we must start by being a voice that is worthy of being followed.